The Gifts My Mother Gave Me

Several times while growing up, I heard my mother tell the story of her near-drowning experience when she was 9 years old.  She was with her family at a lake and was playing in the water near the shore.  She accidently stepped into deep water, and, unable to swim, she sank and was unable to surface or find solid ground.  She was drowning.  But then she had the sensation of floating above the scene and seeing the people below frantically searching in the water for her.  She saw a bright light.  She felt absolutely serene. She said she was torn between going toward the light, or returning to her body, and though she was powerfully drawn to the serenity of the beyond, she realized how sad her mother would be if she didn't return. So, out of compassion for her mother, she came back to her body.  Meanwhile, the searchers had found her under the water and had pulled her to shore.

My mother told me that she had no fear of dying.  She said her experience at age 9 had convinced her that death was not a frightening experience, but rather a positive and serene one.  She always said, "When my time is up, then I'll go."  She planned to live her life as best as she could, and then peacefully go at the end, and that is apparently what she did.  She died at home.  I was not there; my sister and her family were living with my mom at the time.  My mother's last couple of years, after my father died, were not easy.  She suffered some disability from diabetes and congestive heart failure.  She was relegated to the family room, sleeping on a hospital bed, no privacy, her home no longer her own.  She lived in circumstances that would have made many people bitter and resentful, but she accepted her fate, and, I believe, was waiting for the day when she could follow her beloved husband to the afterlife.  And so they found her one morning, at age 72, already gone.  I don't know what her last moments were like, whether they were painful or serene.  But I know she wasn't afraid to face her death.

My mother gave me some very powerful gifts.  She told me that giving birth was joyful, and that dying was not to be feared.  She was right, as I discovered, in the first case, and I have no reason to doubt her in the second case.

Family Dictionary

My husband Herb and I have, over our years together, developed a vocabulary which is somewhat peculiar to our family.  As aptly described by our eldest daughter in her own blog:  "I am sure every family has those words, where you find out in your mid-twenties that when you say to someone, 'you deserve rah rahs,' they have no idea what you mean."   

Many of the words in our family dictionary originate from Herb's playful verbal inventiveness, and precede our partnership.  Some sprang spontaneously from the delight, fatigue, and endless fascination of being parents together.  Some came from our daughters (see "frup").  

Here is a sample:

Dominus Obisbum:  the state in which an animal, usually a dog, lies on its back with back legs hanging in the air in a relaxed state and mimicking the gesture of blessing given by a priest.  The priest's gesture involves both hands in front of the shoulders, elbows bent, forearms nearly vertical and slightly askew from the front view, with palms open and facing forward and slightly toward each other.  The phrase, "Dominus Obisbum" is corrupted from the Latin phrase "Dominus Vobiscum (familiar to Catholics who observed the Latin mass prior to Vatican II, in 1965), meaning "The Lord be with you."  According to Herb, it is important to acknowledge that dominus obisbum is a state of grace, and should not be disturbed; one must avoid the temptation to squeeze the toes, grab a paw, or cause any other annoyance which might disturb the state of dominus obisbum.

Back paws:   Feet.

Vapter paws:   1)  Feet, especially baby feet pudging out of shoes or pant legs;  2)  Cute feet.

Grippers and spreaders:  The state of contraction or relaxation of toes.

Gripper paws:  A state of eager and ready anticipation.  Example:  "I'm ready to ace the GRE; I have gripper paws!"

Push-the-nose:  a technique to unfurrow a furrowed brow; a reminder given to another person to relax his or her face, or to attend to a state of stress or irritation.

Frup (verb):  to vomit, from the phrase "threw up".  i.e. "Mommy, I frupped in my bed."

Cheezy beekoes:  n. (alt: cheezy beeko):  1) A person, usually a child, who elicits an urge to pinch the cheeks in an affectionate manner.   2) The manner by which a person responds to observing a child who is so cute that one cannot sit still; the phrase "cheesy beekoes" is used simultaneously to express affection and to discharge the teasey impulse.

Rah Rahs:  the act of celebrating an accomplishment with a chant or cheer. 


Mayonnaise spreaders:

Earth Shoes, or other such footwear with a rounded toe, resembling a spatula.


Manny toe-paw spreaders:
The reproducible action of squeezing the pad of a dog's foot, resulting in involuntary spread of the toes.
(note: this phrase belongs in the Family Dictionary only for translation purposes, since only Herb uses this phrase, or is compelled to annoy dogs in this way.  When asked whether this phrase applies to cats, he said, "It is inadvisable to attempt this maneuver on a cat.  Besides, who would ever want to do that to a cat?" Also, Herb disputes the assertion that doing Manny Toe-paw spreaders on a dog is "annoying" to them.)


Wall-walker: 
An independent child who is compelled to walk on elevated surfaces rather than along the ground, and whose parents are relegated to serving this compulsion at every opportunity.

Ancestors

A cousin has been collecting family history, and she sent this photo a few years ago.  The man and woman in this photo are Francis Furrow and Elnora Bennett Furrow, my great great grandparents.  The young man in the center is Harley Furrow, my great grandfather, who I met once when I was a child, when he was 91 years old. The small bits of family history I've gotten seem to confirm what I already know:  the family story is peppered with history of discord, abandoned children, and infidelity.  It's interesting to see the faces and recognize family features in later generations, to ponder our immigration patterns, to contemplate how each decision ripples down through the generations.  Being estranged from my own siblings, I recognize the complexity of family relationships, and I wonder if future generations will try to puzzle out the story, how one branch of the family broke away from the other.  I wonder if patterns repeat themselves, whether the discord, the substance abuse, the mistrust and fear that imploded the tenuous connections that existed between my siblings and I, are just patterns of behavior unconsciously carrying forth from one generation to the next.  

Elnora and Francis (Frank) Furrow divorced after this photo was taken.  Elnora remarried, and Frank left Michigan to homestead in South Dakota.  The two youngest girls in the photo, Mabel and Martha, were sent to an orphanage.  Mabel died in 1900.  

Happy Happy Valentines Day

Pug Heart

Suzy is not a boy

When my daughter was young, I made her a hand sewn cotton doll with embroidered face and long braids made of yarn. The doll was stuffed with wool so she would be soft and warm to the touch. A friend of mine admired the doll and offered to pay me to make a boy doll for her son, Toby, who was about 3 years old.  She wanted the doll to be anatomically correct, so I made a lovely boy doll, with little boy parts and short hair, like Toby's, made of yellow yarn. Toby decided to name the doll Suzy, and referred to it as "she". His mom asked him why he decided to name his doll Suzy. "Because that's her name." "Why do you call Suzy a 'her' when the doll has a penis and testicles?" "The artist made a mistake", said Toby.

Suzy the doll had a gender reassignment procedure.